Ah, Marlboro.  This town, located just one hour southwest-ish of NYC, was once all farmland and clay. The "marl" in Marlboro is a clay that the Indians used to use to make clay pots and such (at least that's what Ms. Breen told us in third grade). 

Growing up in Marlboro was wonderful in many ways.  It was a suburb of NYC, so very often, my parents or friends and I would hop a train and go into the city.  The sprawling farmland was sold and turned into the kind of soccer fields that any "soccer mom" would adore.  The school district was very highly regarded, and as an upper-middle class suburb, none of my friends ever had to deal with the pain of poverty or starvation. 

HOWEVER, there was something in the air in Marlboro; let's for now call it "friendly competition."  There were EXPECTATIONS- which started among the parents, but trickled down to the kids like the water in a leaky faucet trickles into the sink.  Conversations amongst parents when I was young would go something like this,  "I would have let David come over to play today, but he's so busy, what with travel soccer, his Project Venture homework (our district's elementary school Gifted and Talented Program), and gymnastics competition that he couldn't possibly have time."  To which the other mother would respond, "well, that's ok.  My son was busy too- he was working on his science fair project, which he, by the way got an A+ on and taking his concert piano lessons, so he couldn't have had a friend over anyway." 

This "competition" continued throughout my youth, and into adolescence.  The conversation became different, but the main messages were still the same. How come my father, who bless his heart traveled back and forth to NYC everyday with many of the other Marlboro fathers, could tell me by the time he got home at night exactly what my schoolmates' SAT scores were, where they were going to college, and what they were majoring in.  Believe me, it wasn't because he was highly interested.  It was because the "competition conversation" continued  from Marlboro to NYC, and then all the way back home.  And it didn't end there.  Dad was also able to overhear how much money people's kids were making on their first job, where they were working, and eventually who they were marrying, and how much the engagement ring cost.  Is anyone else seeing something wrong with this picture?

As I said before, there were "EXPECTATIONS," in Marlboro.  Not from my parents, but from the general masses. Expectations about how well one did in school, how one dressed, the kind of car they drove, the extra curricular activities that one was involved in.  And for someone like me, someone who always wanted to be her best self, I certainly got wrapped up in all of this.  Part of it was just trying to fit in.  Part of it was that I am competitive by nature.  But, I put so much pressure on myself to fit the "Marlboro Mold." I had to look, dress, achieve, and generally fit in with the high standards set by many parents, and absorbed by their children. 

But, in all of this competition, where was the room for a child with special needs?  It wasn't there.  And by high school, although I did well academically and socially, I was just that; a child with special needs.  I was anorexic.  I was highly depressed and anxious.  I felt alone.  And all of this, I ever so carefully hid behind my "Marlboro Mask," letting only a few close confidants see the "real me."  I remember going to football games in high school, and putting on my makeup and my best cheerleader smile, only to come home and break down in tears behind closed doors. I remember hiding in my basement from friends that just stopped by for a visit if I didn't think I looked my best, and making my sister tell them I wasn't home.  I remember all of the compliments I would get on my 90 lb body when I was in high school, and hoping I'd always stay 90 pounds.  No one cared that I was starving myself, not even me.  It didn't matter.  I had to fit in, I had to be "perfect" and keep my "Marlboro Mask" intact. 

But, this left very little room for the real me.  The real me was someone that I squelched and hid under the covers at night, secretly hoping she'd disappear so that I could be as perfect as friend X and friend Y.  The real me was a depressed, anxious mess who felt so scared of her symptoms and completely alone.  I remember having to learn relaxation exercises from a therapist to take my SATs and make Varsity Cheerleading.  Really?  Yes.   That's how bad it got.

I started at Emory University, a place that I like to call "Marlboro south," and believe you and me, my "Marlboro Mask" came right along with me.  But, within months, it all came crashing down.  You can only squelch full-blown bipolar disorder and your own self for so long before it bubbles up to the surface.  And bubble up it did.  I had to leave school to go into the hospital within my first semester.  I was mortified.  What would I tell all of my friends from Marlboro and their parents?  I hated myself for "ruining my life," and only wanted to die. 

Well, finally, I was forced to face myself; forced to start to take off my "Marlboro Mask."  It was a gradual process, but in college, I just couldn't run from who I really was anymore.  I had to share about the most intimate parts of my life with my schoolmates, because it was obvious that something was wrong, and frankly, I was tired of hiding.  It was exhausting.  I remember being so ashamed because I was living in my sorority house, but getting picked up by a bus to go to my day program for my mental health every day.  I remember being in and out and in and out of the hospital for my psychiatric health.  Trying medication after medication.  Nothing was working.  But, I could no longer hide from who I really was.  And, in retrospect, humiliating as it was, it was the best thing for me. 

I went through all of the stages of loss of my former self- the anger, the grief, and finally acceptance.  This came after I graduated college and was working on my first job.  I joined an organization called NAMI In Our Own Voice, in which they trained you to tell your recovery story.  I remember my trainer, who has now become a dear friend of mine, was a man who had schizophrenia, but managed to become the CFO of several Fortune 500 companies.  I remember seeing others who struggled with their mental health, and had recovered and lived amazing lives.  And, I finally realized three things: 1) I wasn't alone, 2) it wasn't my fault, and 3) I had nothing to be ashamed of.  From the first time that I told my story to an audience, I realized that this story put me in the position to help others.  That there were so many people like me, who suffered in silence, who hid behind social masks, and were ashamed and hopeless.  And, as I shared my story, I gained confidence and a realization of why I was put on this Earth with Bipolar Disorder- to help others who were suffering.  Finally, I took my "Marlboro Mask" and incinerated it.  And, in doing so, I set myself and others free.  It feels damn good to be thirty three, and accept myself exactly as I am, and even LOVE that person.  And it feels great to know that you, my readers, can benefit from the pain that I once felt- there was a purpose behind my suffering.    I hope that by getting rid of my "Marlboro Mask," I can encourage others to do the same.  Self love, not self blame. 

Be Well,
~Emily

It's no secret that I have gained weight since I started treatment for my Bipolar Disorder.  I've gained 100 lbs, to be exact.  It's a bitter pill to swallow, but I did want to write about it to explain why I chose to take medication even if it would make me gain weight. 

Bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance in the brain, plain an simple.  It requires therapy AND medication in order to manage this disorder.  And, many of the medications have intense side-effects, including weight gain.  A couple of years ago, I had a "breakthrough" on my old medications, meaning that they were no longer working.  The doctor decided that he wanted to try Lithium on me.  Lithium is a salt that causes weight gain, but also treats bipolar symptoms. So, on it I went, and within six months, I had gained 100 lbs. 

I often ask myself, if I had to make that choice over would I?  Especially because at the end of the day, Lithium did not work for me.  It increased my appetite, and that was about it.  However, I know that I would have done the exact same thing again if I had to.  Why?  Because gaining weight, as painful and unhealthy as it is, is not nearly as bad as ending one's life.  And, that's where I was when I chose to go on it. 

Bipolar disorder is treatable, but can also be fatal.  And, I won't lose my battle with it, no matter what.  Even if it means that I have to choose Sanity instead of Vanity.  It can be a catch 22 in terms of the fact that gaining weight can make people feel depressed, too.  But, I have learned , most of the time, to change my attitude about this.  My ego would like me to still be 110 lbs, but to what end?  Is it really worth losing my life over? Or even having a life that is as chaotic as bipolar can make it become?  No.  Before I found the right medication, I was practically homeless, couldn't keep a job, and any relationship that I had was 100% dysfunctional.  I was thin, but I won't go back to that place.  Even if it means I have to learn to love my curves. 

I am learning to love myself based on WHO I AM, not what I look like.  And, who I am is a strong, compassionate survivor who is living to encourage others that recovery from mental illness is possible.  I have made that my life's work, and I'm proud of that part of my life. 

When I hear people, especially young women say that they won't try a particular medication because of weight gain, I feel sad.  Are we really that brainwashed by a society that values thinness in women that we are willing to sacrifice our mental health to be thin?  For me it's not even a choice.  Sanity before Vanity.  Always. 
Be Well
~Emily

Today, I am so filled with appreciation for an event that happened yesterday.  I posted the following on my facebook page last night:

"I got asked today why I'm ok sharing about my bipolar disorder on Facebook for all the world to see.  Well, here's my answer.  It's not easy.  It's not going to win me a popularity contest or get me guys.  But I know the statistics.  I know that one in four adults suffer, most in silence, with a mental illness.  So that means that for every four of my Facebook friends, one of them is struggling.  I don't want them to feel alone."

I wrote this sincerely and from my heart.  And the response left me in awe.  Friends from all parts of my life, from childhood, to high school, to college, to my jobs poured out their hearts with support. They "liked" my post.  They commented on my post.  They shared.  They thanked me for my bravery. 

I'm honored.  But, I also hope that this will encourage others that you don't have to suffer in silence.  I hope that it helps people to realize that having a mental illness is not a character flaw.  It is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it can be treated.  And, one can go on to live an amazing life in spite of, and BECAUSE of mental illness. 

Today, I awoke feeling proud to be Bipolar and Blessed. 

Be Well,
~Emily

So, today, I got a rather abrasive email from a co-worker of mine who not only accused me of something that I didn't do, but also, cc'd my supervisor, her supervisor, and half of the supervisory world that I know.  I thought that rather than telling this person where he or she could put this email, I would use it as a "teachable moment" for you, my readers.

You see, in the world of work, interpersonal "friction" is bound to come up.  It's a part of how we as humans interact.  However, the question is, how do you react to this friction without making the situation worse, and ultimately, hurting your mental health? 

As someone with a mental illness, I tend to be sensitive.  In other words, I get triggered very easily, and am often not at "baseline" when it comes to my emotions during the day.  How do I deal with this?  Well, here are a couple of ideas:

1. Find a safe person to vent to.  My boss, bless her heart, is my best outlet for venting while at work.  She listens, consoles, and helps me to reframe when my emotions are making my thougths off base.  As a rule, I consult her before reacting to any emails that are of a accusitory nature.  This way, I am able to pause and come up with a rational plan rather than dropping an atomic bomb of emotion at the wrong time. 

2.  Find an outlet. You, my readers, are one of my favorite outlets.  I can safely talk to you without offending/ saying the wrong thing/ etc.  You don't know who I'm complaning about right now, but I am getting it out, and turning it into a positive, teachable moment for you, as well. 

3. Don't blame yourself unless you deserve the blame.  Just because someone is accusing you of something, doesn't mean they are right.  Those of us with mental illnesses and low self esteem tend to automatically assume that just because someone is accusing us, we're to blame.  This isn't fair to us.  People are always going to accuse and blame.  It's part of work, and the competetive nature of working around others.  Try to analyze objectively, after cooling off.  If it's not your fault, endorse yourself positively. 

4. Don't react on emotion.  Let's be honest.  Being unfairly accused of something by a co-worker can really piss one off.  That's why it's so important to cool down before reacting.  Take a walk.  Do some deep breathing.  Grab a small piece of chocolate.  Do anything to calm yourself down.  Then refer to my number one on this list and vent.  When you are back to a calm place, respond in a calm and cultured manner. 

5. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill by ruminating.  I ruminate.  A lot..  But only if I allow myself to.  I have learned that I have to cut rumination off at the roots so that I don't make something bigger than it is, and react more strongly than I should.  Yes, getting an email like I got today was annoying, but if I let it bother me by ruminating about it, it can surely ruin my day.  And, look out for the person that did it, because I can surely ruin theirs.  But, I have discovered long ago that "day ruining" is a waste of one's  time, and in the end only hurts me.  I have learned to cut myself off from brooding and resentments, because the anger prevents me from happiness.   So, when I feel the obsessing begin, I distract my mind by finding another more important thing to focus on.  Also, I've learned to see people that are adversaries in my life to be really my best friends.  Why?  Because they force me to grow and strengthen my ability to manage my emotions.  And in managing negative emotions in a good way, I find that I am happier overall.  Isn't that what life is all about?


Be Well
~Emily

A great time was had by all at MHANJ's 4th Annual Walk for Wellness.  The walk, which raised thousands of dollars to support MHANJ in it's mission was held in Johnson Park, New Brunswick this past Sunday, 10/9/11.  There was an excellent band, wonderful prizes, and great enthusiasm about helping people with mental illnesses to recover.  Special thanks to my mom, dad, Avi (the cute pup pictured left with my mom), The Franzblaus, The Reeds, and Heather F. for all of their support on walk day.  Thanks to those who contributed to The Dream Team Coaches team as well! 

Be Well

~Emily

Please Don't Miss This Important Workshop and Book Signing!!!!!
De-Stress for School Success, with Emily Grossman & Kirk Charles, Thursday, 9/29, 7-9pm
Where: Columbia Teachers College, Gottesman Library, 306 Russell, New York City

De-Stress for School Success is a seminar that explores the intricate mind-body connection. It offers valuable ideas on how to incorporate simple physical and mental health exercises to overcome anxiety, worry, stress -- and achieve your academic goals.

Emily Grossman is a Teachers College alumna and author of There and Back Again and There and Back Again, Too. Emily founded The Dream Team Coaches, a school, career, and life success coaching company that provides a variety of services to help children and young adults accomplish their life goals. Emily's company specializes in working with those who have disabilities, including, but not limited to: ADHD, Depression, Bipolar Disorder, and Learning Disabilities.

Kirk Charles is a personal trainer certified under the National Academy of Sports Medicine. Dedicated to helping people achieve their physical fitness and personal development goals, he teaches group fitness classes in New Jersey. Kirk's book entitled Live in the Power Zone is about finding what you do best, and being the best at it.

In this engaging seminar, Emily and Kirk will provide an overview of their techniques, conduct sample exercises, and sign copies of their newly published books.

Please rsvp no later than Tuesday, September 27 by emailing thedreamteamcoaches@gmail.com

Ever wonder why your teen is so much more emotional than you are?  Well, the reason has been discovered.  An article in Science Daily entitled "Are Teenagers Wired Differently from Adults?" explains: "High emotionality is a characteristic of adolescents and researchers are trying to understand how 'emotional areas' of the brain differ between adults and adolescents. Scientists from the National Institute of Mental Health, publishing in the November 15th issue of Elsevier's Biological Psychiatry, have helped to advance our understanding. They studied the amygdala, the major emotional center in the brain, which undergoes structural reorganization during adolescence."  What these scientists found when studying this is "that emotional behaviors in adolescence are less precise and more irrational because they are driven more by subcortical than by cortical structures."  In other words, when your teen has an outburts, it is because a different part of their brain starts working when they are emotionally triggered than when you are emotionally triggered.   I know it's hard, but the next time you have had it up to here with your teen's emotional outbursts, take a break, and remember, it's not their fault....it's the fault of their brain structure :) 

Be Well
~Emily

When a child or young adult struggles with their mental health, it is not just that person, but the whole family that gets affected.  You and your spouse or partner may find yourselves arguing a great deal about the type of treatment that your child should receive.  Here are some tips to help you to overcome this struggle:

1. Make time for romance:  If your child is struggling, chances are you and your spouse/partner are talking about it a lot.  It is so important that you both take breaks and don't let this subject become the center of your relationship.  Go out for a romantic dinner, and make the subject of your child off limits for the night.  This will help to revive the romance. 

2. Do your research:  When a child is struggling with their mental health, many parents go with their instincts about how the child should be treated without learning what the experts are recommending.  In order to be on the same page with your spouse/ partner about your child's treatment, make sure that it is something evidence-based rather than just based on your own opinion.  This may help you and your partner to agree if the experts are recommending it. 

3.  Be consistant at home:  Talk to your spouse about the rules that you think are important to implement regarding your child's behavior, and vice versa.  You don't want a good cop, bad cop situation, where your child tries to go to one parent to override the other parent's rules.  This can create a lot of marital strife.  Instead, come up with rules that you both agree upon, and stick to them. 

And always remember that ultimately, you and your spouse/ partner have the same goal- your child's mental health.  You are on the same team, and it is important to recognize and acknowledge that to each other. 

Be Well~

Emily

September 14th was World Hearing Voices Day.  According to the Intervoice Website: "World Hearing Voices Day celebrates hearing voices as part of the diversity of human experience, increasing awareness of the fact that you can hear voices and be healthy. It challenges the negative attitudes towards people who hear voices and the incorrect assumption that hearing voices, in itself, is a sign of illness."  In honor of this day, the Hearing Voices Network USA has chosen to officially launch their new website at www.hearingvoicesusa.org.  I hope that you will check out both websites, and know that people who hear voices can live wonderful, productive lives. 

Be Well
~Emily

According to a recent article in Reuters, more US kids are being hospitalized for their mental health.  The article sites that ,"from 1996 to 2007, the rate of psychiatric hospital discharges rose by more than 80 percent for 5-13-year-olds and by 42 percent for older teens."  Although the causes of this are unknown, it is truly a reality that parents and providers alike need to be aware of.  This statistic explains why todays parents need to be hyper-vigilant about being aware of their children's mental health, and taking them for treatment as soon as it is needed, rather than waiting for a crisis.  To read this article in full, click here. 

Be Well
~Emily