Enablers 02/16/2010
 
This topic is very important for parents to read and take to heart.  An enabler is someone who through their actions creates a scenario in which another person’s destructive behaviors are more likely to continue.  If, for example, your son or daughter is a drug addict, and you are not requiring them to get a job, seek treatment, etc, and you are giving them a place to live, this is enabling. 

 

How does enabling apply to mental illness and the treatment of it?  Well, at certain points, a child or young adult with mental illness may need some tough love, and you have to be prepared to give it to them, knowing that ultimately, it will help their growth. 

 

I credit my parent’s tough love with getting me well.  When I first got sick, my parents had the normal reaction of trying to nurture me back to health.  The soft environment that they created was actually not conducive to my recovery.  I needed structure and boundaries.  However, as my illness went on over the years, my parents learned to provide me with these boundaries.  For example, when I was in college, I really wanted to go home and drop out.  In response, my parents told me that I wasn’t allowed to come home.  College was where I lived, and even if I couldn’t go to class, they said it was important for me to stay up there, even while receiving treatment.  This was a hard thing for me, and very hard for them to do, but as a result, I received a college degree.  Had they allowed me to come home, this would have been enabling. 

 

I see this sort of behavior in the parents of my clients as well.  Today, the mother of a nearly 40 year old man who lives at home and has had no job for a number of years called to inquire about our services.  What is wrong with that picture?  First of all, allowing your mentally ill adult son to live at home at that age is pure enabling.  Adults need to be independent, for their health as well as the health of the family.  Next, the parents are supporting this person financially rather than forcing their son to get a job by leaving him no choice.  If they were to cut their son off financially, he would have to find a way to support himself.  Finally, why was the mother calling to inquire about treatment?  If the son was truly invested in getting better, he would have called himself. 

 

Giving tough love is very difficult.  However, sometimes a taking a firm stance and creating boundaries is just what a child or young adult needs to get better.  In the long run, you are giving them the gift of mental health, and ensuring that you have a happy, healthy family. 

 

Be well

~Emily
 


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