At this weekend's training run, I had a long talk with Jillian's mother about Jillian, the teenager that I am running my half marathon in honor of.  She is struggling a great deal right now.  Jillian's battle isn't about vanity.  So many people think that an eating disorder is about that.  But really, it's about a much deeper issue: self love.  I remember my own years struggling with anorexia and then binge eating.  I wanted desperately to like myself, and my way of calming my anxiety when I didn't like myself was by either starving or binging.  I thought that I would only like myself when my body was "perfect."  I think of all of the things that I overlooked about myself when I was waiting to get skinnier; not my physical attributes, but my inner beauty, which the eating disorder masked.  Underneath the girl who used to scrutinize herself in the mirror, rating herself only based what she looked like, was a tender hearted, compassionate, loving young woman who literally wanted to save the world, but had no idea how to go about that.  Coming to peace with myself and loving myself took a great deal of inner struggle.  I learned to think about things like: how am I contributing to the world, and how did I help this or that person today.  These were things that I always wanted to think about, but I never rated myself based on who I was, but what I looked like.  Yes, in high school and college I was thin, but I was attracting all of the wrong attention for it.  I got involved with people who wanted to party, take advantage of my body, and have shallow interactions.  Today, in a bigger body, I know that the people in my life love me for who I am, not what I look like.  Don't get me wrong, this is not a reason to stay heavy. I am working hard to take off weight, but this time, I'm doing it for my health, and for myself, not to attract attention for the wrong things about myself. 

In our society, we send young women all of the wrong messages.  They think that in order to be cool or get the guy, they have to be stick thin.  What ever happened to sending the message that in order to end up in a healthy, stable relationship, you need to attract someone who loves your insides?  Beauty fades, but the inside can deepen and grow richer, more wise, and more beautiful over time.  I think about my own father, who loves my curvy mother deeply for who she is, not what she looks like.  Yes, she is beautiful, but her beauty comes from a place deep within, and my father values that about her.  They are madly in love with each other and have been for 34 years.  Why doesn't the media cover stories like this, rather than fawning over the next celebrity to lose weight?  We are all part of the problem because the media wants to make money, and by us watching the "thin girls on parade," we are dictating to the media what we want to see.  I want to see more girls who are strong, independent, and comfortable with themselves.  I want to see more people fawn over young women who accomplish great things- owning their own businesses, doing good deeds, etc.  Jillian needs the idea that beauty is within to be reinforced and so do so many young women struggling just like her. 

When I got out to run for Jillian this morning, it was a run of hope.  Hope that more large women will value themselves, and not be afraid to run, dance, and enjoy life.  Hope that ALL women will be set free of the chains of self judgement that our society has reinforced for so long.  I want Jillian to love herself, exactly as she is, as I am FINALLY learning how to do.  But, I know that it's a long journey, and a harder one than the 13.1 miles that I will be running on May 6.  Please, if you agree with my viewpoint, and would like to donate to my cause, to show Jillian the truth of what I am saying, do not hesitate.  I'm only $300 away from my goal, due to the generosity of family and friends. Here's the link to donate: 
 http://www.active.com/donate/ROL-NJM2012/2012EGrossm  

Thank you all for reading, and for your continued support.  

Be Well
   ~Emily 

As most of you know, I am training to run a half marathon in Long Branch on May 6,2012.  I wanted to update you on my training.  This past Sunday, I did five miles.  I cannot describe the feeling of joy and pride that I get after finishing a training run.  It feels so good to be back out there again, the wind blowing in my hair, as I set out on a running trail.  But to add to this great feeling is the idea that I am training to help a very special young girl, Jillian, to feel encouraged.  Jillian is continuing to struggle with her disorder, but I know that she is going to win.  Just as I'm struggling with my half marathon training, her fight is an every day battle.  I know that we are both going to overcome our struggles and accomplish our goals.  Also, to date, I have raised $1,100 for the Mental Health Association in New Jersey.  My goal is $1,500, so I'm almost there.  Many thanks to the friends, family, and colleagues who have so generously donated and are helping me to reach this goal!!!  To learn more, or to donate, please follow this link:  http://www.active.com/donate/ROL-NJM2012/2012EGrossm  

Be Well
~Emily

I remember dancing to Whitney as a young child.  My sister and I would rock out in the living room, blasting "I Wanna Dance with Somebody."  My mom used "The Greatest Love" as a teaching point on how it is most important to love yourself.  She was a hero in my house, and I looked up to her tremendously. 

When I first heard of Whitney Houston's addictions and her destructive, abusive relationship with Bobby Brown, I thought that it was Bobby Brown who cause all of this, and hated him for "ruining her."  I think many had the same reaction, especially when the news reported Whitney Houston showing up for court with black-and-blue marks.  But, this was before I experienced my own mental illness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make this about me, but what I learned is that the symptoms of a mental illness are extremely severe, and intense emotions are not fun.  So, what is the first thing that one does when experiencing intense emotions?  They try to get rid of them. 

We can try to get rid of intense emotions in many ways.  One is to just ride them out, and accept that they are going to pass in time.  However, addicts don't do this.  Typically addicts are looking externally for something to stop the intensity of their emotions.  Thus, in Whitney's case, she became addicted to drugs and love in order to quell the difficult emotions that she was going through, and the underlying mental health struggles that she was experiencing.   

Whitney is a classic example of someone whose death could have been prevented had she been properly treated for the fact that she was struggling with her mental health.  Awareness and lack of shame about this can make all of the difference.  It must be difficult when one is in the public eye so much to admit to having mental health issues, yet, in the long run, isn't it better to get help than ultimately let these "inner demons" destroy you?  What can be learned from the sad case of Whitney Houston is that treatment for drug addiction AND the underlying mental health struggles that cause the addiction to begin with is imperative. 

Be Well
~Emily