It's no secret that I have gained weight since I started treatment for my Bipolar Disorder.  I've gained 100 lbs, to be exact.  It's a bitter pill to swallow, but I did want to write about it to explain why I chose to take medication even if it would make me gain weight. 

Bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance in the brain, plain an simple.  It requires therapy AND medication in order to manage this disorder.  And, many of the medications have intense side-effects, including weight gain.  A couple of years ago, I had a "breakthrough" on my old medications, meaning that they were no longer working.  The doctor decided that he wanted to try Lithium on me.  Lithium is a salt that causes weight gain, but also treats bipolar symptoms. So, on it I went, and within six months, I had gained 100 lbs. 

I often ask myself, if I had to make that choice over would I?  Especially because at the end of the day, Lithium did not work for me.  It increased my appetite, and that was about it.  However, I know that I would have done the exact same thing again if I had to.  Why?  Because gaining weight, as painful and unhealthy as it is, is not nearly as bad as ending one's life.  And, that's where I was when I chose to go on it. 

Bipolar disorder is treatable, but can also be fatal.  And, I won't lose my battle with it, no matter what.  Even if it means that I have to choose Sanity instead of Vanity.  It can be a catch 22 in terms of the fact that gaining weight can make people feel depressed, too.  But, I have learned , most of the time, to change my attitude about this.  My ego would like me to still be 110 lbs, but to what end?  Is it really worth losing my life over? Or even having a life that is as chaotic as bipolar can make it become?  No.  Before I found the right medication, I was practically homeless, couldn't keep a job, and any relationship that I had was 100% dysfunctional.  I was thin, but I won't go back to that place.  Even if it means I have to learn to love my curves. 

I am learning to love myself based on WHO I AM, not what I look like.  And, who I am is a strong, compassionate survivor who is living to encourage others that recovery from mental illness is possible.  I have made that my life's work, and I'm proud of that part of my life. 

When I hear people, especially young women say that they won't try a particular medication because of weight gain, I feel sad.  Are we really that brainwashed by a society that values thinness in women that we are willing to sacrifice our mental health to be thin?  For me it's not even a choice.  Sanity before Vanity.  Always. 
Be Well
~Emily