So, I've tried to be as honest about my struggles on this blog as possible so that hopefully my readers would feel safe enough to go for help if they had a mental health struggle  However, what I haven't spoken about at all is Domestic Violence and Abuse.  It is an important topic to cover here because many people with mental illness wind up in abusive relationships.  Why?  Mostly because they are vulnerable.  Perpetrators of domestic violence are always looking for power.  And, who better to get power over than someone who is struggling with his or her mental health?

When I was in college, I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship.  I will not reveal the person who abused me on this blog, because I do not believe in shaming people publicly.  He knows who he is.  Or maybe he doesn't.  Sociopaths often do not feel remorse or guilt when they abuse someone, and they can be charming and seductive as hell. 

What is unfortunate about this situation is that it was not until years after the abuse happened that I even started to realize that it had happened.  Why?  Because of the Cycle of Violence.    You see, abusers are not mean all of the time.  They are actually usually kind and even charismatic at first.  That is how they pull their victims in.  The abuse is often subtle at first, and can even be flattering:  they want to spend all of their time with you, so they don't allow you to see your friends.  They are extremely jealous when you talk to other men (or women depending upon the abusers' sex and sexual preference).  These things at first can make you feel desirable and valued.  For those struggling with a mental illness, (which often makes their self esteem go into the toilet), this possessiveness can be mistaken for love.  However, after a while the possessiveness turns into abuse; sometimes it can be emotional and verbal, sometimes physical, often a combination of these.  So why do victims stay?  Because their abuser was once so kind, that they often believe that they are the ones making them act this way.  They believe that if they just change themselves, the abuser will go back to his or her old nice self.  And then, they often try to leave, but the abuser starts to apologize and act nice again, and then they stay.  This is the cycle, and it can repeat itself for years or even a lifetime. 

In my case, that is how it all happened.  My abuser didn't start off as mean.  In fact, he told me that he wanted to help me with my mental illness, but he couldn't unless I would date him.  He was a friend at first actually, and very supportive, or so I thought.  He then threatened to pull his support away unless I dated him.  I was very vulnerable at the time, and I began to date him because I didn't want to lose his love and support. 

So, after a while of dating, I noticed that he would get very jealous when I talked to other guys.  In fact, he'd often go into a rage over this, especially if we were in a bar and he was drunk.  He also started to try and isolate me by telling me that my family did not love me and that my friends were not true friends.  He tried to change things about me, like my religion.  He also would put me down a good deal of the time. We'd fight over these things, but then, in the end, he would apologize and do unbelievably kind things like take me to beautiful restaurants, take me to concerts, etc.  When things were good, I felt like I was living in a dream romance- one like in the movies.  All I wanted was for that to last.  He would take care of me when I was really struggling with my mental illness, and that heightened my dependence on him.  However, things got worse.  Our fights got worse as I got stronger, until, my senior year, he was yelling at me constantly.  It became so bad that I started stuttering when I spoke, which I now know is one of the signs of trauma.  It was awful because around this time, I was looking for a job, and I couldn't even interview because of my stutter.    My mental illness symptoms got much worse as well.  I began to have delusions.  I remember he once came over to my apartment, and just seeing him unexpectedly made me scream in fear.  I was terrified of him, but I couldn't let go because I always remembered his kindness.  I became addicted.  The more he told me that I was worthless, the more I hung on, hoping that if I would just be who he wanted me to be, he would be nice to me again, and I would have my fairytale back.  I finally did break up with him, but because of the trauma and my addiction to him, I blocked out the bad and only remembered what was good about him.

So, for years, I kept trying to go back to him.  I now thank God that he did not want me back.  When I would see him, he didn't think twice about taking advantage of me.  I just wanted the romance again, but, at this point, every time I saw him, the abuse was what was prevalent.  It became physical at times.  He made me feel like an animal; like I was a nothing, when all I wanted was for him to "love" me again and be as nice as he used to.  I didn't want to believe that he was really that mean.  I wanted to believe that I was causing it.   

So, what shifted me?  Well, partially, it was work, partially life circumstances.  After 9 years, I am not struggling with my mental health like I used to.  Unfortunately healing for me involved him attempting to abuse me and take advantage when I was well.  But, this time, when he did something unthinkably cruel (which I will not go into here), the trance was broken, and I saw him for who he was. 

 Today, at work, Alternatives to Domestic Violence came in to speak about abuse.  My jaw almost dropped, and things came flooding back into my mind like a tidal wave.  The way he told me I was nothing, or evil.  The way he'd be rough with me physically.  I had blocked out most of it because I wanted so desperately to believe that he was a kind person, and I hadn't wasted time loving him.  But, the flashbacks were intense and I was unable to ignore them.  And, finally, I realized that he truly was always taking advantage- even when he was being nice. 

I am telling this story and talking about Domestic Violence not to shame my abuser or get revenge.  If I really wanted to shame him, I'd write his name here is big bold letters.  Instead, I am sharing my story with you to show that people with mental illness really need to be aware of their vulnerability, and not try to get into a romance while their symptoms are acute. 

If you ever notice the signs of abuse- please- get help and get out.  It won't get better.  It will always hurt, and the nice person that the abuser is will never last.  If you are unsure, talk about it with everyone you know.  Don't keep it a secret.  And, consult a lawyer so that you know your rights in these situations.  I was too silent, and I didn't know my rights, and my abuser is still free and out there to do the same thing to someone else.  There are shelters to help you stay safe and away from an abuser.  There are centers that specialize in therapy for the victims of abuse (and the perpetrators for that matter).  If you need help getting help, please email me at thedreamteamcoaches@gmail.com   I will work tirelessly to get you the support  Don't be like me and wait over a decade to talk about it.  By then, it is possible that the perpetrator could have moved on to another victim.  Or, stayed with you, but got progressively more violent.   

Finally-love yourself.  The more you love yourself, the less likely you will be to become vulnerable to someone who puts you down and hurts you.  You deserve better.  You deserve real love, and real love doesn't hurt.   If someone hurts you----speak out.  Break your silence!  Now!